The Jonas Brothers

in Short by MV on July 18th, 2009

Twins were not particularly remarkable in the great city of Nineveh, but what was unusual about the two Jonas brothers was that they were in fact both called Jona. The reason was very simple: they were identical in very respect, so much so that even their mother could not tell them apart and had to resort to giving them the same name to avoid embarrassment. The consequence of this was that the two brothers rarely left each other’s company, for fear of being mistaken for the other, and were generally known as the Jonas.

So it came to pass that the two brothers were sitting on the hilltop overlooking Nineveh, when the word of the Lord came to one of the brothers.

“Jona, behold Nineveh the great city. Its iniquity has grieved me and I want to destroy it, but before that you must go and preach a message of repentance to them so that they will have one last chance to turn and thus avoid my wrath.”

Jona looked at his brother, who was dozing pleasantly in the sun and had clearly not heard any of this.

“Lord,” he replied, “I cannot do this on my own. Let me take my brother Jona with me.”

The Lord replied, “That would be two confusing. Now go, or I will smite you.”

Jona leapt to his feet and ran off, foolishly hoping to escape the wrath of God.

The rest is the stuff of legend and is documented in the book of Jonah in the Bible. Jona boarded a ship which ended up being stricken in a mighty storm that the Lord had sent. It was clear to the crew that something was amiss with Jona so with his consent they threw him to the waves where a large fish ate Jona.

That would have been the end of that, except that his brother had not been sleeping at all, and had heard the word of the Lord, but being slightly more cunning than his brother had feigned sleep.

He agonised over what to do, and when his brother did not return, thought that perhaps he should do as the Lord had requested, and thus avert a great smiting. This he did, and to his immense surprise, the whole city, including the King, repented with sackcloth and ashes, and the Lord did relent as per his word.

Over the years this story of mercy and hope has been retold and passed through the generations, and though some little changes have been made here and there, it stands in essence as a lesson to us all.

And no, it was not a whale. That’s just silly.

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Weeping Willow

in Six Sentence by MV on July 2nd, 2009

“Why do you weep?” burped the frog to the willow tree – it was a fine, sunny day, and having found both the perfect lily pad and a bounteous supply of flies and other assorted bugs, was feeling very contented.
The willow paused a while from her sighing and turned to the frog, “Tis a long sad tale, little frog, and I would not wish to tinge your sunny day with my sadness.”
The frog lashed out his tongue and caught a nearby foolish but rather juicy fly; he was young and had not met the trouble and sadness that we so often encounter in life, and so had not learnt compassion or a sympathetic ear, however his curiosity was aroused: “Please do tell, there is much time under the sun.”
The willow sighed again and began her story: a tale of a beautiful flaxen haired damsel, a princely suitor, a wicked witch, a forbidden love, and a curse that left her here forever as this willow, searching the waters for her drowned love.
The frog was frankly quite sorry he’d asked and looked out for another tasty morsel to delight his day, resolving to focus on important things going forward.

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To Love And Obey

in Short by MV on June 23rd, 2009

“What a cool house, Joe!” cried Tom.

I smiled, not really knowing what to say. I’d lived in the old manor house for so long that I guess I took its size and lavish gardens for granted. My father is the warden of Farley Manor and I am his only son. I don’t know my mother – she died when I was very little, my father says of cancer. I have a picture of her: a beautiful, slender young woman with sad eyes and I imagine those eyes knowing that she wouldn’t see me grow up and being sad because of it, but that’s silly, I know. My father is an earnest man of few words, and has been as long as I can remember. He is tall, lean, with cold grey eyes that leave one with no doubt as to who is in charge. I suppose I love my father, but it is a strange sort of love; kind of a mixture between awe, respect and fear. He never hugs me and I sometimes feel he thinks I’m a nuisance, a left over part of my mother.

Tom is my only friend from school, Pembury Grammar School for boys – a “serious establishment” our headmaster always tells us – and his being here at my house is a rare treat indeed because father is not keen on people visiting. He says its because he has to look after the place and doesn’t want any of my hooligan friends damaging anything – it took me weeks of nagging to get permission.

I like Tom. He is serious like me, but like me has a wickedly fun streak and the two of us get along famously. Father had allowed use to roam around the whole gardens, so we were engaged in a very splendid game of hide and seek, too young for our teenage years, but who cares? I had just found him hiding in the maze and we were sitting resting on the edge of the fountain, looking back at the house.

“Really cool, Joe. You are so lucky.”
“I suppose, Tom, but it gets a bit lonely sometimes without anyone to hang out with.”
“You have me.”
“Yes, but that’s hardly ever. I wish father would let you visit more.”
Tom nodded, staring vacantly into the distance.

“Hey, what’s that?” he shouted suddenly, pointing towards the house.
I looked to see what he was pointing at. “What?”
“There! The attic window. A face!”
I looked but couldn’t see anything. “There’s nobody up there.”
“I tell you, there was someone, a girl with black hair. Very pale.”
“Woooooo… a ghooost…” I teased.
“Stop it!” he said, getting annoyed, “I saw someone!”
“Sorry.” I replied. “We do actually have a ghost, you know?”
“No way!”
“Yes. Father says it is a young woman who was murdered here long ago. She was locked up in the attic by her father and left to die.”
“Ugh. That’s horrible.”
“Definitely. Do you believe in ghosts?”
“No.”
“Me neither.”
“So shall we go have a look then?”
“What? No!”
“Oh come one. Be a sport!”
“I would but my father doesn’t allow me to go up there.”
“Why not?”
“He says there are precious vases up there and I’m not to go there.”
“Oh, OK…”

I could sense the disappointment and really did want to be a good sport. “Listen … well … my father is doing his rounds of the estate so we could take a quick look.”
Tom’s face brightened immediately. “Cool let’s go” and ran off towards the house with me in hot pursuit.

We reached the house at the same time and stopped, listening. Its weird how something can be a home one minute and a source of thrilling terror the next. I did actually believe in ghosts, despite what I’d told Tom. From earliest childhood the house had been full of creaks and distant noises, and sometimes when I lay in my bed trying to fall asleep I imagined I heard crying coming from the attic two floors above me. I’d asked my father about it and that is when he told me about the ghost, the girl called Isabelle who didn’t listen to her father and was horribly punished for it. It was a cruel story to tell a little boy, but he was like that, my father: very tough, and he expected the same from me I guess.

We climbed the flights of stairs quietly, listening both to the house and for my father, who I knew would skin me alive if he caught us. We soon reached the top floor and crossed the landing towards the final set of stairs that led up to the attic. I looked over towards Tom and could see that he was not looking as brave as he’d done before. “You OK?” I asked. He looked at me and nodded grimly. This was serious business.

We were about to start our ascent when I remembered that we would need a key to get into the attic. I once before had “explored” this area and found the way into the attic barred by a very solid, locked door. My courage had left me then and I had not returned, at least not until today. I did however look for the key and found it finally in a box at the back of my father’s cupboard. I told Tom to wait for me while I retrieved it and returned within a few minutes.

We paused before the final leg of our adventure, listening for the ghost, and for my father. I’m not sure who I was more terrified of, but I lead the way, quickly climbing the stairs. We stood at the door, ears pressed to its ancient panels, listening. Nothing. Just the wind sighing sadly as it drew its breath through the cracks.

I put the key into the keyhole and turned it slowly. I was surprised to find that it actually turned very easily. I thought nobody, including my father, ever went into the attic. My heart pounded in my throat as the door creaked open slowly, revealing a vast dimly lit space littered with clutter from yesteryear. Cobwebs hung everywhere between the clouds of ancient dust. In the middle of the attic was an old four poster bed bedecked with a thick veil. Tom nudged me and nodded towards the bed. I’d seen it too: the outline of a person, sleeping or perhaps worse, dead. It took all my courage to take a step forward rather than run for my life. Here at last was the answer to the question that had been burning in my subconscious for most of my life, the source of that presence I had always sensed and sometimes heard.

We reached the bed and with trembling hands slowly drew the veil back.

Before us lay, not a child, not a ghost, but a dead woman dressed in a long, faded red dress. She must have been dead a long time because the skin hung tautly on gaunt bones and her fingernails extended grotesquely beyond their usual boundaries.

“Ugh!” hissed Tom. “Who do you think she is?”
“I don’t know,” I replied, “but she’s got something in her hand.”

We leaned forward, expecting her to leap at any minute, and inspected the item in her hand, a gold locket. I reached and took it from the wizened fingers, then opened it to find two pictures, one of a woman, the other of a little child. The child was I, and the eyes of the woman were sadly familiar; this was my mother.

I stood staring at the photographs, unable to move, struggling to comprehend the awful horror of what lay before me. Tom hissed impatiently “What is it?”

Suddenly behind us the floorboards creaked and we turned to find my father standing, cold fury in his eyes. “So you found her.”
We looked at him fearfully.
“I told you not to come up her, Joseph. You should have listened to me.”
“Sorry Father” I mumbled.
“Yes, very, very sorry Mr Brands,” offered Tom hopefully.
“Sorry, doesn’t cut it. Joseph I’ve told you so many times what happens to the disobedient, haven’t I?”
I nodded mutely.
He lunged forward angrily. “Give me that key!”
I managed to step to one side, causing my father to fall forward on his face. Tom shouted, “Let’s get out of here!”

We ran for our lives, fleeing from the attic, pausing a moment to lock the attic door, sprinting down the flights of stairs out into the glorious sunshine and freedom from the nightmare. We kept on running, even though I knew my father would not be in pursuit – the attic was used to confining its occupants.

We reached the front gate and I turned to look at the house one final time, and saw my father at the barred attic window, shouting noiselessly, pointlessly, while behind him I saw the sad familiar eyes fade into oblivion with a gentle smile.

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How to make a cat fly

in Six Sentence by MV on June 18th, 2009

It is a well known and undisputed fact that cats always land on their feet.
It is furthermore an equally well known and undisputed fact that toast always lands buttered side down.
So what happens if you strap a slice of buttered toast to a cat’s back and throw it out of the window of a 5 story building?
Well, it plummets like a stone until the last foot or so.
Then the paradox kicks in and the cat stops falling and instead slowly starts to spin as the competing laws vie for control of the beast.

Ok, so its not exactly flying, but it is still pretty damn cool, isn’t it?

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Two Sides Of The Story

in Funny by MV on March 31st, 2009


HER SIDE OF THE STORY

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn’t say anything about it. I don’t remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn’t really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn’t, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

Played badly today — shot 97 – - -can’t putt for shit! Felt kind of tired.

Got laid though.

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911

in Funny by MV on January 26th, 2009


This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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God in the shadows

in Six Sentence by MV on January 18th, 2009

If God is god, why does He hide in the shadows? Why does He not show himself and put an end to the myriad made up thoughts, the debate, the strong opinions, the hatred, the wars? Why does He leave his subtle fingerprints all over our universe and create this yearning in our hearts only to leave it unfulfilled for lack of usable evidence? Why does he not come to earth and show himself? It wouldn’t have to be to all of us, just a few. If they wrote it down as history for the rest of us, that would be enough, right?

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Six Addict

in Six Sentence by MV on January 18th, 2009

“Hello, my name is Robert, and I’m a six addict.”

“Hello, Robert, welcome”, the group replied, “Tell us your story.”

“Well”, said I, “it began almost two months ago just after I got my new laptop and launched Internet Explorer for the first time; I know it was dangerous, but I was young, reckless, sigh…”

“Please go on!” they pleaded, full of of encouragement and nurture.

“Someone had told me about this website, a dangerous place if you were not careful, but full of wonderous excitement and exotic tales, all sooo alluring, and I just couldn’t resist even though it had that dreaded number 666 all over it; now I can do nothing else.”

The group nodded in sadness – another promising writer bites the dust, lost forever to the lure of 6 sentences.

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Cinderella Story

in Funny by MV on January 15th, 2009


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years’?

The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, ‘Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’

The fairy godmother replied,  ’It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?’

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, ’I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.’

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: ’You have one more wish; what shall it be?’

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.’

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.’

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

‘Bet you’re sorry now that you had my balls cut off’

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DIY

in Funny by MV on January 14th, 2009


I need to tell you a tale of DIY woe from the annals of House Mull De Vin.

It happened soon after we moved to this green and pleasant land and bought our first house, a little cottage in the sleepy town of Tonbridge in Kent. It was a beautiful Victorian style house with rambling passage ways (well just one really, it was a small house), crooked corners and wobbly walls.

It needed decorating and since the walls were in bad shape I decided to do as the Romans do and wallpaper. I’m South African by birth, where everything gets painted, so not knowing much about wallpaper decided to buy a book: The Readers Digest Complete Guide To DIY. This book sounded so impressive that I knew I was on to a winner.

So I wallpapered the walls in our bedroom, and it looked very nice I thought, apart from one sheet which had been hung upside down so the little fleur-de-lis pattern was wrong. Ah, well such is life.

I turned the page in my impressive DIY guide and found a section on wallpapering ceilings. What an interesting concept I thought, looked at my ceiling, saw that it was quite cracked, saw the picture of a man in my guide doing a superb job, and thought: I can do this!!

So I got a ladder, a broom to help hold up the sheets, ensured the wallpaper paste was the right consistency and proceeded to paste on my first sheet.

It stayed up 5 seconds.

So I patiently started again, carefully using the broom to hold the other end of the sheet while I made sure it was well and truly stuck.

It stayed up for 4 seconds.

To cut a long story short, 3 hours later I had still not put up my first sheet.

I was deeply frustrated. I say this because what follows can scarecely be believed in hindsight.

I cut the wallpaper into neat squares and tiled the ceiling.

That night my wife and I were lying in bed, admiring my handiwork, when she turned to me, gave me a peck on my cheek, and said: “I know you tried, dear, but this has got to come down.”

So it did and we got a real man in to do the job.

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