Imagine

in Six Sentence by MV on December 30th, 2009

reflection
The image in the mirror spoke, “Man, are you looking crap today!”

I was a little taken aback by this, but then regained my composure and replied, “Look who’s talking.”

The image smirked, “I don’t get to choose how I look, mate. Why don’t you shave and start looking after yourself, for God’s sake?”

I looked at the tired face before me, wondering where all the years had gone, and sighed deeply, “It’s too late for me”.

“Pshaw!” he snorted, “I don’t know why I bother anymore!” and with that he disappeared, leaving me to examine the bathroom door behind me for the first time.

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The Game

in Six Sentence by MV on December 30th, 2009

The old fan creaked wearily overhead, scarcely moving the stifling air. I watched Tony as he examined his cards with inscrutible concentration.

“So what’s it gonna be, Ton?” I taunted, “man or mouse?”

Tony looked up from his cards and smiled: “You dealt me your last crap hand, you swindling bastard,” he said, and quickly pulled out his old Smith and Wesson.

I jumped up, knocking over my chair. “Take it easy, Tony, it’s just a game.”

He continued smiling, “Sure is, my friend, and you are about to lose.”

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Life…

in Funny, Six Sentence by MV on October 7th, 2009

meaningoflife
Life…

Serious side effects that would require immediate medical attention include:

+ Loss of sense of humour
+ Tendency to lovelessness
+ Excessive self interest
+ Death

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Last Supper

in Six Sentence by MV on October 3rd, 2009

sausage-mash
Sausages, stuffed with sage and apple, heaps of caramelised onions, gravy made with Bordeaux and fresh parsley. And the mash? To die for: soft and buttered, laced with just a touch of nutmeg.

I polished the lot off, downed the remainder of my pint of fine Old Speckled Hen, and then looked up at my captors.

“Right, let’s do it!”

The last thing I did before the noose snapped my neck was let out a very satisfied fart.

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Together

in Six Sentence by MV on September 18th, 2009

Boat sterring wheel

I remember our first walk together, the tentative words, the gradual nearing, the meeting of sweaty palms, the shy laughter. We were friends first, then husband and wife, then lovers. Then we sailed the oceans of life, sometimes through stormy waters and almost drowning in the process. But now the sea is calm, the sun bright and pleasant, the breeze cool. A blue, cloudless sky adorns the heavens. We stand at the helm of our ship, the little crew mates busying themselves below. Doing homework, I hope.

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To Love And Obey

in Short by MV on July 21st, 2009

“What a cool house, Joe!” cried Tom.

I smiled, not really knowing what to say. I’d lived in the old manor house for so long that I guess I took its size and lavish gardens for granted. My father is the warden of Farley Manor and I am his only son. I don’t know my mother – she died when I was very little, my father says of cancer. I have a picture of her: a beautiful, slender young woman with sad eyes and I imagine those eyes knowing that she wouldn’t see me grow up and being sad because of it, but that’s silly, I know. My father is an earnest man of few words, and has been as long as I can remember. He is tall, lean, with cold grey eyes that leave one with no doubt as to who is in charge. I suppose I love my father, but it is a strange sort of love; kind of a mixture between awe, respect and fear. He never hugs me and I sometimes feel he thinks I’m a nuisance, a left over part of my mother.

Tom is my only friend from school, Pembury Grammar School for boys – a “serious establishment” our headmaster always tells us – and his being here at my house is a rare treat indeed because father is not keen on people visiting. He says its because he has to look after the place and doesn’t want any of my hooligan friends damaging anything – it took me weeks of nagging to get permission.

I like Tom. He is serious like me, but like me has a wickedly fun streak and the two of us get along famously. Father had allowed use to roam around the whole gardens, so we were engaged in a very splendid game of hide and seek, too young for our teenage years, but who cares? I had just found him hiding in the maze and we were sitting resting on the edge of the fountain, looking back at the house.

“Really cool, Joe. You are so lucky.”
“I suppose, Tom, but it gets a bit lonely sometimes without anyone to hang out with.”
“You have me.”
“Yes, but that’s hardly ever. I wish father would let you visit more.”
Tom nodded, staring vacantly into the distance.

“Hey, what’s that?” he shouted suddenly, pointing towards the house.
I looked to see what he was pointing at. “What?”
“There! The attic window. A face!”
I looked but couldn’t see anything. “There’s nobody up there.”
“I tell you, there was someone, a girl with black hair. Very pale.”
“Woooooo… a ghooost…” I teased.
“Stop it!” he said, getting annoyed, “I saw someone!”
“Sorry.” I replied. “We do actually have a ghost, you know?”
“No way!”
“Yes. Father says it is a young woman who was murdered here long ago. She was locked up in the attic by her father and left to die.”
“Ugh. That’s horrible.”
“Definitely. Do you believe in ghosts?”
“No.”
“Me neither.”
“So shall we go have a look then?”
“What? No!”
“Oh come one. Be a sport!”
“I would but my father doesn’t allow me to go up there.”
“Why not?”
“He says there are precious vases up there and I’m not to go there.”
“Oh, OK…”

I could sense the disappointment and really did want to be a good sport. “Listen … well … my father is doing his rounds of the estate so we could take a quick look.”
Tom’s face brightened immediately. “Cool let’s go” and ran off towards the house with me in hot pursuit.

We reached the house at the same time and stopped, listening. Its weird how something can be a home one minute and a source of thrilling terror the next. I did actually believe in ghosts, despite what I’d told Tom. From earliest childhood the house had been full of creaks and distant noises, and sometimes when I lay in my bed trying to fall asleep I imagined I heard crying coming from the attic two floors above me. I’d asked my father about it and that is when he told me about the ghost, the girl called Isabelle who didn’t listen to her father and was horribly punished for it. It was a cruel story to tell a little boy, but he was like that, my father: very tough, and he expected the same from me I guess.

We climbed the flights of stairs quietly, listening both to the house and for my father, who I knew would skin me alive if he caught us. We soon reached the top floor and crossed the landing towards the final set of stairs that led up to the attic. I looked over towards Tom and could see that he was not looking as brave as he’d done before. “You OK?” I asked. He looked at me and nodded grimly. This was serious business.

We were about to start our ascent when I remembered that we would need a key to get into the attic. I once before had “explored” this area and found the way into the attic barred by a very solid, locked door. My courage had left me then and I had not returned, at least not until today. I did however look for the key and found it finally in a box at the back of my father’s cupboard. I told Tom to wait for me while I retrieved it and returned within a few minutes.

We paused before the final leg of our adventure, listening for the ghost, and for my father. I’m not sure who I was more terrified of, but I lead the way, quickly climbing the stairs. We stood at the door, ears pressed to its ancient panels, listening. Nothing. Just the wind sighing sadly as it drew its breath through the cracks.

I put the key into the keyhole and turned it slowly. I was surprised to find that it actually turned very easily. I thought nobody, including my father, ever went into the attic. My heart pounded in my throat as the door creaked open slowly, revealing a vast dimly lit space littered with clutter from yesteryear. Cobwebs hung everywhere between the clouds of ancient dust. In the middle of the attic was an old four poster bed bedecked with a thick veil. Tom nudged me and nodded towards the bed. I’d seen it too: the outline of a person, sleeping or perhaps worse, dead. It took all my courage to take a step forward rather than run for my life. Here at last was the answer to the question that had been burning in my subconscious for most of my life, the source of that presence I had always sensed and sometimes heard.

We reached the bed and with trembling hands slowly drew the veil back.

Before us lay, not a child, not a ghost, but a dead woman dressed in a long, faded red dress. She must have been dead a long time because the skin hung tautly on gaunt bones and her fingernails extended grotesquely beyond their usual boundaries.

“Ugh!” hissed Tom. “Who do you think she is?”
“I don’t know,” I replied, “but she’s got something in her hand.”

We leaned forward, expecting her to leap at any minute, and inspected the item in her hand, a gold locket. I reached and took it from the wizened fingers, then opened it to find two pictures, one of a woman, the other of a little child. The child was I, and the eyes of the woman were sadly familiar; this was my mother.

I stood staring at the photographs, unable to move, struggling to comprehend the awful horror of what lay before me. Tom hissed impatiently “What is it?”

Suddenly behind us the floorboards creaked and we turned to find my father standing, cold fury in his eyes. “So you found her.”
We looked at him fearfully.
“I told you not to come up her, Joseph. You should have listened to me.”
“Sorry Father” I mumbled.
“Yes, very, very sorry Mr Brands,” offered Tom hopefully.
“Sorry, doesn’t cut it. Joseph I’ve told you so many times what happens to the disobedient, haven’t I?”
I nodded mutely.
He lunged forward angrily. “Give me that key!”
I managed to step to one side, causing my father to fall forward on his face. Tom shouted, “Let’s get out of here!”

We ran for our lives, fleeing from the attic, pausing a moment to lock the attic door, sprinting down the flights of stairs out into the glorious sunshine and freedom from the nightmare. We kept on running, even though I knew my father would not be in pursuit – the attic was used to confining its occupants.

We reached the front gate and I turned to look at the house one final time, and saw my father at the barred attic window, shouting noiselessly, pointlessly, while behind him I saw the sad familiar eyes fade into oblivion with a gentle smile.

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Logic

in Funny by MV on July 19th, 2009


Two guys, Cameron and Nyiko are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking
beer.

Cameron turns to Nyiko and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community
college and sign up for some classes.” Nyiko agrees that it’s a good
idea.

The next day, Cameron goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English,
History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Cameron asks, “what’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I think that you
would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house!”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.”

“I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife.”

“Yes, I do have a wife.”

“And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be
heterosexual.”

“I am heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a lawnmower.”

Excited to take the class now, Cameron shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves
to go meet Nyiko at the bar. He tells Nyiko about his classes, how he
has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.

“Logic?” Nyiko says, “What’s that?”

“I’ll show you,” says Cameron. “Do you have a lawnmower?”

“No.”

“Then you’re gay…..”

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The Sadness

in Six Sentence by MV on July 14th, 2009

I have never understood the Sadness, why it comes and goes without reason, sometimes only fleeting, but mostly lingering a while, tingeing my days with oppressive gloom. Everything seems so hard on those days, and even the delightful giggle of my little daughter brings only a tentative smile to my lips. Well meaning friends tell me to snap out of it, to look on the bright side, to cheer up, and that it could be worse, but they don’t understand the helplessness.

So it has been 2 years since the Sadness decided to stay permanently, and I’ve watched it drag me down, sap my life of every little remaining joy, reducing me to misery personified. But today, thank God, I took charge – the sadness would have to find a new home, I would have it no longer.

My first step towards my new destiny was also my last, and it occurred to me as I fell what a long way down it was.

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Weeping Willow

in Six Sentence by MV on July 2nd, 2009

“Why do you weep?” burped the frog to the willow tree – it was a fine, sunny day, and having found both the perfect lily pad and a bounteous supply of flies and other assorted bugs, was feeling very contented.
The willow paused a while from her sighing and turned to the frog, “Tis a long sad tale, little frog, and I would not wish to tinge your sunny day with my sadness.”
The frog lashed out his tongue and caught a nearby foolish but rather juicy fly; he was young and had not met the trouble and sadness that we so often encounter in life, and so had not learnt compassion or a sympathetic ear, however his curiosity was aroused: “Please do tell, there is much time under the sun.”
The willow sighed again and began her story: a tale of a beautiful flaxen haired damsel, a princely suitor, a wicked witch, a forbidden love, and a curse that left her here forever as this willow, searching the waters for her drowned love.
The frog was frankly quite sorry he’d asked and looked out for another tasty morsel to delight his day, resolving to focus on important things going forward.

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Stress Test

in Funny by MV on June 25th, 2009

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary’sHospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you need to go on holiday.

No Need to Reply, I’ll be on holiday

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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