The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared today a national holiday, with immediate effect. This news came as a surprise to employers, unions and parliament alike. Jerry Boxwell, UFAW spokesperson said, “It’s an outrage! If anyone is going to tell people not to work then it’s us!”
Downing Street offered no further comment, and said that the suggestion that Mr Brown was just looking to have a duvet day “was preposterous balderdash.”
Two guys, Cameron and Nyiko are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking
beer.
Cameron turns to Nyiko and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community
college and sign up for some classes.” Nyiko agrees that it’s a good
idea.
The next day, Cameron goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English,
History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Cameron asks, “what’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I think that you
would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house!”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.”
“I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife.”
“Yes, I do have a wife.”
“And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be
heterosexual.”
“I am heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a lawnmower.”
Excited to take the class now, Cameron shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves
to go meet Nyiko at the bar. He tells Nyiko about his classes, how he
has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.
“Logic?” Nyiko says, “What’s that?”
“I’ll show you,” says Cameron. “Do you have a lawnmower?”
“No.”
“Then you’re gay…..”
What do hippy horses eat?
Hay, man..
You’ll never guess who I bumped into at Specsavers the other day?
Everyone!
A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman gives him a beer. ‘How much will that be?’ asks the neutron. ‘For you?’ replies the bartender, ‘No charge’
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother inlaw, My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help’
I said no six Should be enough!!!!!
Whats E.T. short for.?
Because he has little legs……..
Man walks into a bakers and says ‘is that a cake or a merangue’?.
Boy behind the counter says ‘no you’re right, it’s a cake’.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi Jammin!
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last hit was the wall.
Did you hear about the scarecrow that got an honourary degree from Edinburgh University???
He was outstanding in his field!
Father and son are at home watching Father Ted.
Son asks his dad, “Is it true that Ted is dead?”
Father says, “Yes son he is.”
“Is he in Heaven?” asks the son.
Father says, “Of course he is, he’s not a real Priest.”
We sat opposite each other, matching laptops and luggage, but apart from that were different, strangers brought together by a common journey to the airport. I wondered if we might be going to the same place but there was no way of knowing since she was not wearing her destination tag, which was surprising since that was against the law. Mine said Boston, and I thought how she must feel quite naked without it, yet there she was, smiling contentedly as she stared out of the train window at the passing fields and trees. Finally, my curiosity and ire could be contained no more, and I demanded to know where her badge was, and didn’t she know that she was upsetting the natural order of things. She looked at me with obvious but very irritating bemusement, and replied that she had no badge because she had no destination. I said that was impossible and hit her over the head, before calling the authorities to clean up the disorder.
It is a well known and undisputed fact that cats always land on their feet.
It is furthermore an equally well known and undisputed fact that toast always lands buttered side down.
So what happens if you strap a slice of buttered toast to a cat’s back and throw it out of the window of a 5 story building?
Well, it plummets like a stone until the last foot or so.
Then the paradox kicks in and the cat stops falling and instead slowly starts to spin as the competing laws vie for control of the beast.
Ok, so its not exactly flying, but it is still pretty damn cool, isn’t it?
He had heard it all before: the guilt ridden confessions, the tales of endless cycles of sordid, iniquitous doings. It was his job and his calling, he was a priest after all. The difference was that in this instance the confessional was empty and he spoke to himself, seeking absolution. But, finding he couldn’t forgive himself or find a suitable penance he took it to his Superior, the Giver of all Laws, and pleaded his case there.
He got a recorded message. It turned out Heaven was closed for essential maintenance.
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog “Dog.”
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about “psychological profiles.”
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
I’ve been pondering how morality would work if there was no absolute reference point like a god-ordained set of laws.
Morality essentially is about how we behave, either personally or towards others. Those who don’t believe in god-ordained laws would say (I presume) that the personal aspect of morality is irrelevant as long as it does not harm the community.
So there is actually an absolute moral law here: the law of community preservation, and in an evolutionary sense this law is an extention of the self-preservation law. In other words, our prime drive is to survive, but we need community to do that long term, so we have to balance personal survival with community survival.
I have a slight philosophical issue with this survival of the fittest law. If there is no god, no eternal purpose outside this universe, then what we are just IS, and if we all implode into nothing tomorrow, then that also just IS. Neither surviving nor not surviving is to be preferred. The answer to this of course is that the law just IS, so we can’t question it. I find that a little convenient.
But I digress.
So in the absence of god-laws we have a morality based on maximising the survival of the individual, and the society that supports that individual.
Unfortunately we have different societies, with different views on what is “right”, i.e. what benefits the society and the individual. This means that one group has no right to judge another group’s views. So Hitler’s acts just ARE, neither good nor bad. Ok, our society might differ in opinion, but that’s all it is: a different view. The fact that the Allies went to war reflected on (i) how strongly they believed their view, and (ii) their ability to go to war, i.e. their might as a “fitter” group. If the Allies had lost then the “right” view would have been Hitler’s.
Its also wrong to think that the LATEST society is the also the most successful. Think of evolution like a maze: there are many possible branches and cul-de-sacs and even if you are happily walking along a long passage with no end in site, you don’t know until you’ve reached the end whether your route is a dead-end or not. And even if you did last the longest, is that because you were successful or just lucky?
All of this is just my opinion, right?
We have at the bottom of our little garden a wooden shed. It sits nestled between two gigantic oak trees that whilst charming at first are the bane of my life, killing the lawn, pummelling us with summer acorns, drowning us with autumn leaves, scaring us with winter tendril shadows on the walls. The shed has two little windows: narrow, condemning eyes that look at me every time I go to the kitchen to get a beer. My tools are in there and should be used to embark on some fabulous DIY activities – this would please my wife no end – but I know my limits, and DIY can be a dangerous affair for someone with limits. So it sits there, alone, angry, wasted, while I sit here typing, sipping a beer and failing yet again to be erudite. And to use up all six sentences.
There are some things about substitutionary atonement that I don’t get.
If I do something wrong and someone offers to take the punishment for me, then it is a very noble thing to be sure, but is it “right”? I deserve to be punished, not the other person, so to say that justice has been fulfilled feels a bit more like fancy accounting to balance the books than real justice.
I also don’t get punishment. If my children do wrong they need to be taught not to do it again, and punishment is part of that, but its more to do with teaching than with settling a debt in justice terms. It is up to me, the law giver to decide whether the misdeed needs repayment, and usually I choose to write off the debt.
So why is God not like that? These are His laws, and he says what is just or not, so why can’t he just write off the debt? Unless there is a higher law which says its unjust for him to do this, then there is no reason why Jesus had to die.
Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m not grateful for His death, I just don’t understand the logic.
