Mulled Vine

“St Peter, I’d like to register a complaint.”

The old man paused from his writing in the Book of Life and raised a quizzical, bushy, white eyebrow at me, “About heaven? Can’t say that has happened to me before.”

I nodded, “Yes, about heaven; I have come across a great injustice: my lifelong friend Joe and I are neighbours, but while he gets to share a room (and who knows what else) with Marilyn Monroe, I got Mrs Froom from up the road! You know, the one with the awful warts!”

He smiled, “Well, you do know that in heaven it is not all about rewards – there are some consequences too: you did some bad things on earth so your “punishment” (we don’t really like to use that word here) is Mrs Froom.”

“But,” I protested, “Joe was certainly no better than me! How come he gets Marilyn Monroe?”

St Peter grinned, “Ah, you see, he is her punishment.”

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, “doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”

(Source: Comedy Plus)

“Eh Miguel, how long we been walking in dees desert?”
“I donno Pepi, but I ees very tired and hungry. I teenk wees gonna die in dees place.”
“Eh Miguel, what dat over deh? I see bacon hanging in a tree. Can eet be real?”
“Pepi, be careful, I don’t tink das a bacon tree. Dees a dangerous place, full of bad gringos.”
“Eh Miguel, you worry too much. I’m gonna get me some bacon.”
“No Pepi, come back. You gonna die! Ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush.”

‘Viagra’ is now available

in powder form

for your tea.

It doesn’t enhance your sexual performance

but it does stop your biscuit going soft..

(Sent in by Adullamite)

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

(This is an old post but one of my favourites. If you like my wacky sense of humour, filter the posts by FUNNY category using the menu above and enjoy)

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The question: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

In the US they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

In Australia they hung up because they couldn’t understand the Indian accent

(Source: Adullamite)

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

Well, crap…I forgot what it was..

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here.”

The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun guy!”

Next time you are on a plane try this.

Take out the laptop,
open it slowly,
look around meaningfullly,
ask your neighbour which way is east,
then go to this site………