Mulled Vine

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22…. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31…. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping!
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50 . not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: !

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

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My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY !!!”
So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her some bathroom scales.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

I will confess that I feel slightly odd amidst all the protesters with my “Say No to Protestors” placard, but I am passionate about this. I will no longer let my country be blackmailed by the vociferous few, by those with strong opinions about anything and unafraid to march for a cause. What about the rest of us, the happy, pathetic majority? Don’t we have a right to peace, to the preservation of a status quo? Of course we do, so today I left my couch and marched. I even got on television which is cool because I had Sky+ set up to record just in case.

(Fictional Six Sentence)

“Come on girls, we’re late already.”

“Coming Dad,” they replied in sarcastic unison. I smiled, remembering when they used to think the world of me, before teenage years arrived and ended all of that. This was the way of the world and there was no use bemoaning it – I was an awful teenager myself and still cringe at the memories.

We reached the front door of the apartment and pressed the door bell. Inside the inappropriate sound of Big Ben chimed, followed by the footsteps of presumably my mother since my dad was such a lazy sod. The door opened and indeed it was her, wearing a happy beam at the arrival of her family. The smile however soon turned to concern, “Where’s Amanda?”

“Er, she’s not feeling well, so begged to be excused,” I lied. Amanda hated my parents and since neither of us could face another tense family reunion we agreed to this mutually acceptable way forward.

“I hope its not serious?” my mother enquired.

“Oh, no, just a migraine. You know she gets those a lot.”

“Yes, I’m sooo sorry, but do come in. It’s sooo nice to see you.”

She hugged the girls who squirmed reluctantly under her embrace. They seemed to be too old for anything these days but I had warned them on pain of death to me nice to their grand mother … and bribed them with a tenner each, just in case longevity wasn’t enough of an incentive.

I kissed her on the cheek as a dutiful son, hoping it wasn’t cottage pie again.

I will confess that I feel slightly odd amidst all the protesters with my “Say No to Protesters” placard, but I am passionate about this. I will no longer let my country be blackmailed by the vociferous few, by those with strong opinions about anything and unafraid to march for a cause. What about the rest of us, the happy, pathetic majority? Don’t we have a right to peace, to the preservation of a status quo? Of course we do, so today I left my couch and marched. I even got on television which is cool because I had Sky+ set up to record just in case.

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

Have you ever wondered, whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend? Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment…

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”