Mulled Vine

He sat on a pew with his head in his hands – what was he to do? The church was in desperate need of a paint but the funds were so low and even with his good credit and negotiation skills he only had enough paint for just over half the building. Then suddenly the idea hit him: it was good paint, and he could dilute it to make it stretch; this he did, and proceeded to paint the entire church, finishing just in time before an almighty thunder storm let loose … alas pouring great floods of water over his church, and washing away the diluted paint. He looked aghast at the streams of paint flowing uselessly down the storm drains, and then fell to his knees and shook his fist at the heavens, “Why, Lord?”

Suddenly a great voice answered: “You should have trusted me to provide, my son, now get off your knees, I will provide, so go repaint and thin no more.”

“What a cool house, Joe!” cried Tom.

I smiled, not really knowing what to say. I’d lived in the old manor house for so long that I guess I took its size and lavish gardens for granted. My father is the warden of Farley Manor and I am his only son. I don’t know my mother – she died when I was very little, my father says of cancer. I have a picture of her: a beautiful, slender young woman with sad eyes and I imagine those eyes knowing that she wouldn’t see me grow up and being sad because of it, but that’s silly, I know. My father is an earnest man of few words, and has been as long as I can remember. He is tall, lean, with cold grey eyes that leave one with no doubt as to who is in charge. I suppose I love my father, but it is a strange sort of love; kind of a mixture between awe, respect and fear. He never hugs me and I sometimes feel he thinks I’m a nuisance, a left over part of my mother.

Tom is my only friend from school, Pembury Grammar School for boys – a “serious establishment” our headmaster always tells us – and his being here at my house is a rare treat indeed because father is not keen on people visiting. He says its because he has to look after the place and doesn’t want any of my hooligan friends damaging anything – it took me weeks of nagging to get permission.

I like Tom. He is serious like me, but like me has a wickedly fun streak and the two of us get along famously. Father had allowed use to roam around the whole gardens, so we were engaged in a very splendid game of hide and seek, too young for our teenage years, but who cares? I had just found him hiding in the maze and we were sitting resting on the edge of the fountain, looking back at the house.

“Really cool, Joe. You are so lucky.”
“I suppose, Tom, but it gets a bit lonely sometimes without anyone to hang out with.”
“You have me.”
“Yes, but that’s hardly ever. I wish father would let you visit more.”
Tom nodded, staring vacantly into the distance.

“Hey, what’s that?” he shouted suddenly, pointing towards the house.
I looked to see what he was pointing at. “What?”
“There! The attic window. A face!”
I looked but couldn’t see anything. “There’s nobody up there.”
“I tell you, there was someone, a girl with black hair. Very pale.”
“Woooooo… a ghooost…” I teased.
“Stop it!” he said, getting annoyed, “I saw someone!”
“Sorry.” I replied. “We do actually have a ghost, you know?”
“No way!”
“Yes. Father says it is a young woman who was murdered here long ago. She was locked up in the attic by her father and left to die.”
“Ugh. That’s horrible.”
“Definitely. Do you believe in ghosts?”
“No.”
“Me neither.”
“So shall we go have a look then?”
“What? No!”
“Oh come one. Be a sport!”
“I would but my father doesn’t allow me to go up there.”
“Why not?”
“He says there are precious vases up there and I’m not to go there.”
“Oh, OK…”

I could sense the disappointment and really did want to be a good sport. “Listen … well … my father is doing his rounds of the estate so we could take a quick look.”
Tom’s face brightened immediately. “Cool let’s go” and ran off towards the house with me in hot pursuit.

We reached the house at the same time and stopped, listening. Its weird how something can be a home one minute and a source of thrilling terror the next. I did actually believe in ghosts, despite what I’d told Tom. From earliest childhood the house had been full of creaks and distant noises, and sometimes when I lay in my bed trying to fall asleep I imagined I heard crying coming from the attic two floors above me. I’d asked my father about it and that is when he told me about the ghost, the girl called Isabelle who didn’t listen to her father and was horribly punished for it. It was a cruel story to tell a little boy, but he was like that, my father: very tough, and he expected the same from me I guess.

We climbed the flights of stairs quietly, listening both to the house and for my father, who I knew would skin me alive if he caught us. We soon reached the top floor and crossed the landing towards the final set of stairs that led up to the attic. I looked over towards Tom and could see that he was not looking as brave as he’d done before. “You OK?” I asked. He looked at me and nodded grimly. This was serious business.

We were about to start our ascent when I remembered that we would need a key to get into the attic. I once before had “explored” this area and found the way into the attic barred by a very solid, locked door. My courage had left me then and I had not returned, at least not until today. I did however look for the key and found it finally in a box at the back of my father’s cupboard. I told Tom to wait for me while I retrieved it and returned within a few minutes.

We paused before the final leg of our adventure, listening for the ghost, and for my father. I’m not sure who I was more terrified of, but I lead the way, quickly climbing the stairs. We stood at the door, ears pressed to its ancient panels, listening. Nothing. Just the wind sighing sadly as it drew its breath through the cracks.

I put the key into the keyhole and turned it slowly. I was surprised to find that it actually turned very easily. I thought nobody, including my father, ever went into the attic. My heart pounded in my throat as the door creaked open slowly, revealing a vast dimly lit space littered with clutter from yesteryear. Cobwebs hung everywhere between the clouds of ancient dust. In the middle of the attic was an old four poster bed bedecked with a thick veil. Tom nudged me and nodded towards the bed. I’d seen it too: the outline of a person, sleeping or perhaps worse, dead. It took all my courage to take a step forward rather than run for my life. Here at last was the answer to the question that had been burning in my subconscious for most of my life, the source of that presence I had always sensed and sometimes heard.

We reached the bed and with trembling hands slowly drew the veil back.

Before us lay, not a child, not a ghost, but a dead woman dressed in a long, faded red dress. She must have been dead a long time because the skin hung tautly on gaunt bones and her fingernails extended grotesquely beyond their usual boundaries.

“Ugh!” hissed Tom. “Who do you think she is?”
“I don’t know,” I replied, “but she’s got something in her hand.”

We leaned forward, expecting her to leap at any minute, and inspected the item in her hand, a gold locket. I reached and took it from the wizened fingers, then opened it to find two pictures, one of a woman, the other of a little child. The child was I, and the eyes of the woman were sadly familiar; this was my mother.

I stood staring at the photographs, unable to move, struggling to comprehend the awful horror of what lay before me. Tom hissed impatiently “What is it?”

Suddenly behind us the floorboards creaked and we turned to find my father standing, cold fury in his eyes. “So you found her.”
We looked at him fearfully.
“I told you not to come up her, Joseph. You should have listened to me.”
“Sorry Father” I mumbled.
“Yes, very, very sorry Mr Brands,” offered Tom hopefully.
“Sorry, doesn’t cut it. Joseph I’ve told you so many times what happens to the disobedient, haven’t I?”
I nodded mutely.
He lunged forward angrily. “Give me that key!”
I managed to step to one side, causing my father to fall forward on his face. Tom shouted, “Let’s get out of here!”

We ran for our lives, fleeing from the attic, pausing a moment to lock the attic door, sprinting down the flights of stairs out into the glorious sunshine and freedom from the nightmare. We kept on running, even though I knew my father would not be in pursuit – the attic was used to confining its occupants.

We reached the front gate and I turned to look at the house one final time, and saw my father at the barred attic window, shouting noiselessly, pointlessly, while behind him I saw the sad familiar eyes fade into oblivion with a gentle smile.

Two guys, Cameron and Nyiko are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking
beer.

Cameron turns to Nyiko and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community
college and sign up for some classes.” Nyiko agrees that it’s a good
idea.

The next day, Cameron goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English,
History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Cameron asks, “what’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I think that you
would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house!”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.”

“I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife.”

“Yes, I do have a wife.”

“And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be
heterosexual.”

“I am heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a lawnmower.”

Excited to take the class now, Cameron shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves
to go meet Nyiko at the bar. He tells Nyiko about his classes, how he
has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.

“Logic?” Nyiko says, “What’s that?”

“I’ll show you,” says Cameron. “Do you have a lawnmower?”

“No.”

“Then you’re gay…..”

It came to pass long ago, when the earth was young and the internet a fishing term, that a baby boy was born to the farmer and his wife. The farmer was immensely pleased, as he had worked hard to build up his farm and needed a son to help him at his labours. The boy grew up quickly into a fine, handsome young lad of golden disposition, however it soon became apparent to the farmer and his wife that their son was bone idle. At first his mother attributed it to an artistic strain in their family, but since he did nothing but spend his days dreaming under the apple tree on the hill, they eventually realised that there would be no practical manifestation of his gift. Perhaps this is all a little unfair on the young lad, because whilst he had idle notions, he did sometimes show promise: like the time he thought to weave a 3ft daisy chain for his mother. He was however so immensely proud of this achievement that he kept the floral necklace for himself.

The years went by, and it was not long before his parents had passed away and the lad, now a young man, sat idly under the apple tree, contemplating what to do with his inheritance. The farm he had of course sold immediately as he knew not, and indeed cared not, what to do with it. The bag of gold sat heavily in his lap and he regretted having asked for quite so much.

An apple fell to the ground and rolled down the hill towards the road, and the young man in that instant decided to follow it and see the world that had not bothered him much before. He set off with a jaunty stride, gold in hand, dreams in his head, whistling a little tune his mother had taught him.

Not long after that, perhaps not even an hour, he began to feel hunger pangs and he wondered what he would do for food. It was quite a problem as he was in the middle of nowhere. In the distance however he spied a man sitting next to a cow, seemingly eating his lunch. He smiled, pleased with his good fortune, and ran towards the stranger. On arrival he greeted the man and asked if he could have some of his bread and cheese. The man looked at him with some surprise, no doubt wondering whether an exchange was to be offered, but since none was forthcoming and being a charitable fellow, he shared his lunch with the young man. They fell to talking, or at least the young man talked at length about himself, until he noticed that the cow was a milk cow.

“Sir, I don’t suppose you would give me your cow, so I can have milk the rest of my days and need not go hungry?”
The man replied, “Son, I have just acquired this cow through a trade and am not inclined to give it away.” The young man looked so downcast that the man continued, “However I did exchange some magic beans for it, and if you hurry you might be able to catch up with the youngster I gave them to. Perhaps he would give you one or two.”

The young man cheered up immediately and was about to run off when he thought, “this bag of gold will slow me down, I shall give it to the man.” So he did, and set off at pace. Nightfall fell, as it usually does, and he came to small cottage in which a cosy light shone. He knocked on the door and enquired if he might have lodgings for the night. The owner of the cottage, an elderly woman and her young lad were only too glad to have visitors, for it had not been a good day. Their only cow, Tulip, had been foolishly exchanged by her son that morning for a handful of supposedly magic beans. The young man made himself at home an regaled them during supper with dreamy tales. When they enquired as to his destination he said he was looking for some magic beans he had heard about.

“Magic beans?” cried the woman, “Not you too? How strange Fortune is. We have some beans lying outside our window which you may freely have, but I doubt they are magic. However it is late and I suggest we turn in and attend to this tomorrow.” They bade each other good night and settled down to sleep, the young man sharing a bed with the woman’s son.

Dawn broke, but instead of the radiant morning sunshine, a green hue shone through the cottage windows. At first the occupants thought that the world was about to end and fell to praying, but when nothing happened, decided to go outside instead and investigate. It will no doubt not come as a surprise to you that a gigantic bean stalk had grown overnight from the magic beans and extended many miles up into the sky.

“Let’s climb it!” exclaimed the lad.
“No, it is not safe.” replied the mother.
The young man turned to her, “Do not fret, you have been so kind to me. I will hold it steady while he climbs.” The reality was that he had developed over the years a keen nose for strenuous activity and how to avoid it and this bean stalk had strenuosity written all over it!

The lad clambered quickly, watched anxiously by his mother, and soon disappeared from their sight. They stood a while, but since chores wait for no one, the mother soon went inside to attend to them. The young man settled down for a nap under the leafy shade of the bean stalk. He must have slept for a good few hours because when he awoke the sun was past noon. He wondered what had awoken him, but soon heard frantic rustling as the young lad climbed down with a hen under his arm.

“Quick, quick!” the young lad cried. “Fetch the axe.”
Fortunately his mother heard, because the idle young man knew not what fetch meant, and detecting the urgency in her son’s voice ran out with the axe.
The boy reached the ground, gasping for breath. “Giant… hen… golden eggs… coming … cut it down!”

Seeing that the young man was not hearing him, and indeed had wandered off into the orchard to look for apples, he grabbed the axe from his mother and began to frantically chop at the bast of the bean stalk. A giant roar from on high only served to increase his pace and soon the bean stalk gave a violent creak and tottered mightily. A second roar was heard, this time more like a screech, as the bean stalk began to tumble to the ground, casting its gigantic clamberer to the earth, to his death, into the apple orchard, where a young man of idle notions wondered when his fortune would hit him.

If you are a familiar reader of such fairy stories, you will no doubt be wondering what the moral is. Well fear not, here it is: “Don’t you have anything better to do than read tales of idleness?”

A man is seeking to join the Police Force.

The interviewing Sergeant says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Catholics, six Muslim terrorists, and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”

It had been troubling me all day but I said nothing. Henry and I had been hiking in the Scottish Munroes for three days, camping overnight next to charming little brooks and living off frugal but delicious rations. We’d only been married just under a year and things had not been going very well, as often happens with newly weds I guess, so we decided to get away for a week and do what first brought us together: hiking. Henry had “rescued” me so to speak when I twisted my ankle during an organised hike by offering to carry my pack. We lagged behind the main group and got to talking, soon discovering much in common. We were married 4 months later.

There it was again, that nagging sense that we were not alone.

“Henry?” I called.
“What?”
“Stop a minute, please.”
He stopped. “You ok?”
“Yes, well, no, not really. Do you feel anything?”
Henry frowned. “No. Like what?”
“I don’t think we’re alone. It’s like we’re being watched.”
Henry smirked. “Out here? You’re kidding, right?”
I must admit it felt irrational. It was late autumn and the hills were devoid of the usual tourist hikers. Even the bed and breakfast we stayed in on the night before we started was going to be closing within a few days.
“I suppose you are right, Hen. Just being silly, I guess. This place does give me the creeps a little.”
He smiled and resumed his walking ahead of me. The thing is, I just knew we were being watched. Don’t ask me how. I just knew.

We camped that night at the foot of Schiehallion. It was our third night and we were half way. Henry went off to look for some wood while I started preparations for supper. We had reserved a bottle of red wine and some brie and crackers for that evening because it was our first anniversary. It was good to sit down after the long hike and I loved the heathery stillness of the glens. The gas stove hissed contentedly, gently warming a couple of cans of spaghetti and sausages. Not exactly haute cuisine but when you were hungry and cold then it was the perfect thing. The meal began to bubble and I was just beginning to wonder where Henry was when he returned, whistling to himself. He dropped an armful of tinder next to me, obviously pleased with his foraging efforts. “Its all dry too,” he said, “I found it in a cave, so we should have a decent fire tonight for a change.”

I smiled. A fire would be nice. I still hadn’t shaken the creepy feeling I’d had all day and got goose bumps on my arms thinking about it.

We polished off the meal and then sat next to the fire with our cheese and wine.
“It’s beautiful out here, isn’t it” Henry mused.
“Yes.”
“You know I love you, don’t you?”
I nodded.
“It’s been a tough old year but I think we’re through the worst of it.”
I reached over and took his hand.
“Definitely. I love you too.”
We kissed tenderly.

Suddenly I started. “What was that?”
“What?”
“A noise, like a cry.”
“I didn’t hear anything.”

Henry was visibly annoyed. I think he was expecting to get laid. “What’s up with you? You’re jumpier than a jack in the box!”

I leaned forward and nestled into him. “Sorry. I just can’t shake this feeling.”
He smiled and put his big arm around me.
“Don’t worry. Even if there is someone or something out there, I will protect you.”
I punched him playfully. “Always my knight in shining white armour.”
“Ow!” he replied, “that hurt. I’m not wearing my armour at the moment!”
We sat huddled together until the day was well and truly gone and the star washed sky overhead shone black as velvet. It was very romantic and I felt my fears slowly dissipate as sleep approached.

I woke the next morning with a start. The sleeping bag next to me was empty.
“Henry!!” I called out, but there was no reply.
I thought perhaps he’d gone to the toilet, so got up and got breakfast ready. Half an hour passed and I began to worry.

“Fetch the ball, Tess!” I shouted, hurling the ball with the all my might; I have a bright yellow ball thrower that is perfect for the job, able to throw the ball well over a hundred yards. Tess shot off, tail between her legs, leaving a trail of dust as she bounded off after the ball. My aim was a little off, or perhaps it was the wind, but the ball curled left and plunged into the bushes. Tess dived in and was not seen for a good few minutes, eventually returning not with the ball but a hand in her mouth! In horror I called her over and inspected the hand – it was a woman’s hand with a wedding ring, a familiar ring in fact, and I was surprised because I thought it would have decayed more by now.

Young Simon was walking around his local supermarket picking up a few items for his evening meal when he noticed an old lady was following him. He tried to ignore her but every direction he went she followed.

Eventually he went to the checkout, but the old lady managed to push in front of him and turned to speak to him.
“I beg your pardon,” she said, “I am very sorry if I have alarmed you by following you around, but you look just like my son who died recently.”

“I am very sorry to hear that,” replied Simon, “that must be very disconcerting for you. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

“Well there is one thing that would cheer me up a bit,” she said. “As I’m leaving, will you call out ‘Goodbye mother’ to me?”
“Of course,” answered Simon and as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”

The girl on the till checked out his items and said “That will be $135.”

Simon was shocked. “How can my bill be £135?” he asked, “I’ve only bought a few things!”

The checkout girl replied, “Your mother said that you would pay for her!”

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22…. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31…. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping!
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50 . not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: !

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

I am innocent. No really … innocent. I know people always say this, but it’s true: I know absolutely nothing, just happened to be walking by, minding my own business, when they leapt on me from a passing black saloon. Now I am here, naked, wired to this metal chair, while an evil looking chap stands next to me arranging gleaming instruments of torture on a black cloth.

“You vil tell me all you know, but pleaz, not too soon,” he leered through dark, malignant eyes.

Realising that this fellow was probably not very interested in the weather or my latest writing efforts, I wet myself, which was not really a good idea since it shorted the electrics and caused my testicles to shrivel into scared little balls.