Mulled Vine

Some of my best friends are dead, well actually most of them are, and it is not surprising really, given that I am dead too. We dwell in this dark nether world that is neither life nor oblivion and I’m not sure why we ended up here rather than passing on, but there it is.

And it is dead dull most of the time, if you’ll excuse the pun, but not today, because Bob is about to join us. You see he’s been screwing around and his psycho girl friend is none too happy about it. She didn’t know at first that he was shagging this other woman, but then we told her when she was sleeping; yes I know it is against the rules, but we were desperate – anything to spice things up a bit and alleviate the endless boredom.

Anyway here she comes – got to run and get a good seat – looks like she’s decided on stabbing. Hope she doesn’t carve him up too badly – it can be quite unnerving spending eternity with a mutilated ghoul – I shiver at the thought.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent
but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent
problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the
employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
‘ Hello ?’

‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.

‘ Yes ,’ whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, ‘ No .’

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is
your Mummy there?’ ‘ Yes ‘

‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ‘ No ‘

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’

‘ Yes , ‘ whispered the child, ‘ a policeman . ‘

Wondering what! a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the
boss asked, ‘May I s peak with the policeman?’

‘ No, he’s busy , ‘ whispered the child.

‘Busy doing what?’

‘ Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ‘ came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’

‘ A helicopter ‘ answered the whispering voice.

‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

‘ The search team just landed a helicopter ‘

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are
they searching for?’

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

‘ ME . ‘

“Do you hear that?” I asked my wife, but she just grunted, continuing to dream blissfully of sun baked clementine orchards. It was that toilet cistern again, and it was 3am! but this time I would fix it for good – I just needed to bend the ball cock lever again, and would save the £60 an overpriced plumber would charge. The toilet dripped nervously as I got up and approached stealthily, continued to drip tentatively as I removed the cistern cover, and dripped one last time as I bent the lever slowly, firmly, authoratively. Suddenly the lever snapped in my hand, resulting in a large plume of water arcing across the length of the bathroom floor and soaking me to the skin. Susan woke to my shouts of dismay, quickly appraised the situation and called an expert in to sort out the disaster. The final cost: £200 for the smirking emergency plumber, one wounded male pride, one lecture from Susan on knowing one’s limits, and 50 pence for a set of ear plugs.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

The sun beamed brightly through the bay window, casting broad unwelcome rays of dust into my lounge. I had often wondered where dust came from, but now it was clear: the sun had been caught en flagrante delicto as it were. So I did the necessary, and wrote a letter to the relevant authorities about this wilful misdemenour. I must confess, I didn’t expect anything to be done and forgot about the whole thing completely, until one fateful day when the sun did not rise. Rumour has it that they sent it to the naughty corner in the Magellan Clouds.

An ironic dustice.

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

Well, crap…I forgot what it was..

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here.”

The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun guy!”