Mulled Vine

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

* David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”

* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

(Source: Comedy Plus)

This has to be one of the toughest commands in the Bible and is part of the “turn the other cheek” and “suffer as Christ suffered for you” side of Christianity that we like to ignore here in the prosperous, now-centred West.

I have just left a company where I had the boss from hell. He had no redeeming qualities, apart from being elsewhere most of the time. He made my life miserable and I suppose I allowed him to get under my skin, but I couldn’t help it.

So love this guy?? I think not.

I would rather heap burning coals on his head.

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:20)

Oh dear, failed miserably again.

Have you ever wondered what people are really like, what they think, what they do when no one is looking? I did, that fateful morning, and it was my undoing.

It was an ordinary Sunday, much like any other. Spring was in the air and I could sense a corporate reluctance from my flock. I had prepared a fairly decent sermon on Grace, intended to instruct and to encourage, but not many were paying attention. Even the normally attentive Harold Withington had dozed off in his usual seat, much to his wife Arma’s annoyance – she was very concerned about appearances. So I was glad to reach the end and announce the closing hymn.

The congregation rose with a collective sigh, and as it was preparing itself during the organ prelude it struck me: they were all fakes!

Mrs Andrews in the front pew, singing with arrogant shrills above the rest, excessively proud of having studied music at London Royal College of Music. Her husband James, whom I knew was having a torrid affair with young Maisie two rows back (obviously not during the sermon). Why even Harold, old saint that he was, had a gambling problem that I’d had to rescue him from repeatedly.

Yet despite this, they paraded like perfect little Christians, with impeccable, fine smiles, secretly looking down on each other, forgetting deliberately the great heights from which we all have fallen, and the immense price paid to get them back there.

So after the hymn I announced that no one was to leave their seats. It was time for detention Bible style. They sat stunned, looking at their old pastor, not quite sure what to expect.

I then started to pray, oh how I started to pray! I prayed that the Lord would deliver my flock from their sins, that they would mend their wicked ways, that they would learn to love each other, that they would care for the poor and so on. I sensed the congregation getting restless, but nobody moved because we were in the presence of the Almighty.

Then I stopped and we waited. We waited for the Spirit of God to move among us. Nobody moved. Nobody talked. At least until suddenly Harold started from his slumber and leapt up shouting, “Don’t Panic Mr Mainwaring, don’t panic!”

The congregation collapsed with laughter at the old Dad’s Army quote, and that was it, the moment had passed: God had spoken, or perhaps not. Who knew?

I hung up my collar and frock in disgust and walked out never to return.

They were All fakes.

Twins were not particularly remarkable in the great city of Nineveh, but what was unusual about the two Jonas brothers was that they were in fact both called Jona. The reason was very simple: they were identical in very respect, so much so that even their mother could not tell them apart and had to resort to giving them the same name to avoid embarrassment. The consequence of this was that the two brothers rarely left each other’s company, for fear of being mistaken for the other, and were generally known as the Jonas.

So it came to pass that the two brothers were sitting on the hilltop overlooking Nineveh, when the word of the Lord came to one of the brothers.

“Jona, behold Nineveh the great city. Its iniquity has grieved me and I want to destroy it, but before that you must go and preach a message of repentance to them so that they will have one last chance to turn and thus avoid my wrath.”

Jona looked at his brother, who was dozing pleasantly in the sun and had clearly not heard any of this.

“Lord,” he replied, “I cannot do this on my own. Let me take my brother Jona with me.”

The Lord replied, “That would be two confusing. Now go, or I will smite you.”

Jona leapt to his feet and ran off, foolishly hoping to escape the wrath of God.

The rest is the stuff of legend and is documented in the book of Jonah in the Bible. Jona boarded a ship which ended up being stricken in a mighty storm that the Lord had sent. It was clear to the crew that something was amiss with Jona so with his consent they threw him to the waves where a large fish ate Jona.

That would have been the end of that, except that his brother had not been sleeping at all, and had heard the word of the Lord, but being slightly more cunning than his brother had feigned sleep.

He agonised over what to do, and when his brother did not return, thought that perhaps he should do as the Lord had requested, and thus avert a great smiting. This he did, and to his immense surprise, the whole city, including the King, repented with sackcloth and ashes, and the Lord did relent as per his word.

Over the years this story of mercy and hope has been retold and passed through the generations, and though some little changes have been made here and there, it stands in essence as a lesson to us all.

And no, it was not a whale. That’s just silly.

It struck me this morning how so many of the personal arguments against God’s existence follow thus:

The existence of God results in X, where X cannot be, so therefore God does not exist.

X may be replaced with your favourite objection: loving God and suffering, insufficient evidence for his existence, intolerable hell, multiple religions, contradictory Bible, and so on.

The logic is sound. If one thing implies another, and the implication is valid, and the thing being implied is invalid, then the first thing cannot be.

What is perhaps not so sound is our evaluation of X.

For example we look at our notion of God and the suffering around us and conclude: X is a contradiction. A loving God cannot coexist with a suffering world, therefore God cannot be.

But what struck me this morning (at last! I hear you say) is that by doing this we force God to be like we want Him to be, and will not accept Him otherwise. But if God is bigger than our conception, and we are missing information wherewith to deduce that X is false, then we need to be very careful about saying God cannot be.

I imagine an unfinished clay pot sitting on a wheel, saying that there cannot be a Potter, because if He was any sort of potter then we would not be rough clay pots but finely glazed objet d’art.

I imagine the Potter smiling as He puts us in the furnace.

I have been asked to write a post on why Christianity is important to me.

My first reaction is trepidation, since I’m aware that this is a very public forum, and some of my readers will leap on the slightest inconsistency in my thinking, but as she asked so nicely…

The question “Why is Christianity important to you” differs from “Why is Christianity important or right or true etc” because the answer will be subjective. Of course it would be good if it withstood objective, evidential scrutiny, but in the realms of the spiritual and personal that is sometimes not possible.

I first read a Bible at the age of 20, having had very little exposure to any religion before that, apart from dabbling in Taoism (if reading “The Tao Of Pooh” can be called dabbling). I was a confused, lonely youngster, full of questions, hurt and a fair amount of guilt for not being as I knew I should be.

So try to imagine the impact that these words had on me:

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men.” (John 1)

I held in my hand this strange, wonderful Book, with words that spoke to me, that seemed to be alive, that seemed to answer to so many of my questions. How am I here? Why am I here? Why do I feel such emptiness? What’s wrong with me?

What were these words that called so to my Soul? What or who was this Word of which it spoke, who did the impossible, and said such wonderful things like “your sins are forgiven”. Could he do that for me?

With the Bible there also came the friendship of a group of Christians that welcomed me as into a family. Such love from strangers I had never experienced before and I was overwhelmed.

I made a decision on 20 July 1986 follow my Master, Jesus, Christ, Son of God, Man, Saviour.

Since then I have had to work through many, many rational objections, particularly in recent years when my wife was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and we went through hell. I have wrestled with the big questions: Can the Bible be reconciled with Science? Is the Bible not completely contradictory? Can God be Good if Evil and Suffering exist? Why does God appear to choose some and not others? Is Hell fair?Why are so many Christians complete fruitcakes?

Some of these questions I have a better handle on, others will have to wait until the other side of death, but when I’m tempted to give up, to walk away from it all, then I’m reminded of these words:

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:67-68)

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I’m not praying. – Elliot

Dear God,
I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool! – Eugene

Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does “begat” mean? Nobody will tell me. – Allison

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick? – Lucy

Dear God,
Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? – Anita

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? – Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now? – Cindy

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries? – Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? – Neil

Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. – Joyce

Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. – Tom

Most Bible scholars believe there were three wisemen that visited the baby Jesus the night He was born, but there were actually four. We know about the three, one who brought gold, the other who brought frankincense, and the other who brought myrrh. These gifts brought by the first three wisemen were of great help to Joseph and Mary financially. God used the three wisemen to provide for the family of Jesus. This enabled them to be able to move to Egypt when Herod issued a decree to kill all male children two years old and under. Most families didn’t just up and move to a different country in those days because of the cost.

There was however a fourth wiseman that came night also bearing a gift to give to the new born baby, Jesus. We don’t hear about him in scripture though because he was turned away along with his gift. What did he bring you might ask?

A fruitcake!

I don’t often read Revelation because frankly its a bit weird and incomprehensible.

“Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing in the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. He had seven horns and seven eyes…”

But its also full of superb majestic bits too.

“Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing: “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!” The four living creatures said, “Amen,” and the elders fell down and worshiped.”

and

“Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”

I always imagine God with a really deep booming voice when He says the last bit and it sends shivers down my spine.

Ok, so what of this?

Well, I wonder what heaven will be like. It troubles me that I won’t be married to my wife in heaven, and as for 24×7 worship… I mean, I love God and music, but 24×7?? And what about free will? Will we be capable of sinning, and if not, why not?

For us moderns, the concepts of Kings and Lordship are quite foreign so we struggle with the idea of worship. Who does He think He is to want to be worshipped all the time? Talk about self centred. Tsk.

But if we try to imagine ourselves when Kings were all the rage and words like “fealty” graced our lips more naturally, then the idea of a supreme Sovereign to whom we owed our allegicance and devotion and even worship by right would be not so foreign.

Sorry, this is turning into an almighty mull (no pun intended).

Where I’m headed is this: We are 3 dimensional beings (forward/backward, left/right, up/down), four if you count time. God however is not. The Bible hints at this when it says that “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day”.

I first encountered dimensions in physics at school. A one-dimensional creature only knows about forwards and backwards. So if you introduced a two dimensional creature into his world, capable of going left and right as well, then the one dimensional creature would observe that the other fellow now and then disappears suddenly only to reappear at a later point.

So if heaven (at last the point!) involves more dimensions than we are used to, then any description of it by someone from our world is going to seem a little weird. Some bits we’ll recognise, but as for the rest, who knows?