“So let me get this straight, Krwh. You chew the stuff for ages and then blow a bubble for six whole days?”
Krwh nodded, rolling his universes in his palm distractedly.
“I just can’t get get it right,” sighed Yhwh.
Krwh looked up and patted his brother on his shoulder, “Give it time, Yhwh. I guess I was a little lucky the first time.”
The blizzard swirled around me, sending icy fingers probing into my clothing. I huddled, shivering, against the old oak tree, seeking some cover against the elements, but I knew it was just a matter of time. Blissful sleep beckoned, promising escape from the dreadful cold, so I closed my eyes and slowly felt a delicious warmth waft over me, until finally, there was darkness; total, utter, darkness.
Then a light appeared, faintly at first, but slowly growing brighter and I could make out an old man holding a candle, walking towards me until he stopped and handed me what looked like a penny.
“For the ferryman,” he rasped and pointed towards a dim jetty where a hooded figure waited.
It had not been a good year – we seemed to spend most of it arguing while the kids sheltered in their room together – and our relationship now just seem to rumble along with smouldering, unsaid anger.
Perhaps the new year would bring new beginnings? I certainly hoped so as I laid the table with as much love and romance as I could muster and placed the expensive Champagne in the ice bucket.
Now we sat alone by candlelight and clinked our fine crystal glasses together; I looked at her, my wife of so many good years, and said hopefully, “So, any New Year’s resolutions?”
She looked across the table at me, her eyebrows slightly furrowed, her expression rapidly turning a familiar shade of frost: “Are you suggesting I need to change something about myself?”
I rolled over on to my back and let out a satisfied sigh, “Well, that was a most rambunctious fuck, my love!”
She turned suddenly to look at me, raising herself up on one elbow, and I knew immediately I’d said something wrong.
“What, you don’t want me to say ‘fuck’?”
“No, you Neanderthal” she replied angrily. “Why do you insist on using adverbs all the time when you know they offend me?”
“It’s an adjective actually, and rambunctious is such a splendid word – it adds colour and vibrancy to what frankly is a much overused word.”
She raised her eyebrows at me, “In the words of our founding fathers: just do it, ok?”
The image in the mirror spoke, “Man, are you looking crap today!”
I was a little taken aback by this, but then regained my composure and replied, “Look who’s talking.”
The image smirked, “I don’t get to choose how I look, mate. Why don’t you shave and start looking after yourself, for God’s sake?”
I looked at the tired face before me, wondering where all the years had gone, and sighed deeply, “It’s too late for me”.
“Pshaw!” he snorted, “I don’t know why I bother anymore!” and with that he disappeared, leaving me to examine the bathroom door behind me for the first time.
The old fan creaked wearily overhead, scarcely moving the stifling air. I watched Tony as he examined his cards with inscrutible concentration.
“So what’s it gonna be, Ton?” I taunted, “man or mouse?”
Tony looked up from his cards and smiled: “You dealt me your last crap hand, you swindling bastard,” he said, and quickly pulled out his old Smith and Wesson.
I jumped up, knocking over my chair. “Take it easy, Tony, it’s just a game.”
He continued smiling, “Sure is, my friend, and you are about to lose.”
I loved the girl next door, and watched her daily as she frolicked amidst the summer daisies in the field behind our houses. She danced with delightful, childish exhuberance, waving her dandelion wand like the faeries of old. She knew I watched her from my dark curtained prison, and frequently cast a wave or sunlit smile my way, beckoning me to come and join her.
Oh, how I longed to, but Mama said it wasn’t right to mix with white folk. I tried to tell her this was the 21st century and racism was a thing of the past, but she just beat me with the rod and told me to grow up. Papa looked over at me and shook his head in shame before returning to his Financial Times.
Gaspar ran into the room, panting heavily from exertion, “Melchior, Balthasar, the star that was prophesied has appeared in the west!”
Melchior looked up, “West? Don’t you mean east?”
Balthasar chuckled, “Leave him alone, Melchior – you can be such a literalist at times.”
“Literalist?” Melchior pouted, “It clearly says ‘the wise men will see a star in the east’.”
Balthasar put his cards down and sighed, “But if we are east of the event then does not the phrase still apply?”
Gaspar threw up his hands in frustration, “Will you two cease! Are we going or not?”
“Count me out,” said Melchior, “I fancy a nice relaxing Saturnalia at home this year, not a long, dusty traipse through the desert in the wrong direction.”
Rain, rain, endless rain, water dripping everywhere, forming great puddles which threatened to swamp unexpectant footwear. I ran along the cobblestoned street, jumping here and and there to avoid the water but could not avoid getting soaked to the skin. Finally I reached my destination: a boat of immense size made from finest gopher wood, standing tall against the deluge. I was not too late – the last of the animals were walking up the gang plank – and strode confidently past them to the old man standing at the doorway.
He looked up from his register and raised enquiring eyebrows at me – I must have looked a sorry, bedraggled sight, but raised a brave, hopeful smile and handed him my business card: “Arkjoy Pty Ltd”. He looked at the card dubiously, turning it over once or twice, before turning to shout at someone inside, “Rebekah! Please tell me you didn’t order an entertainer for this trip!?”
* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
* Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
* David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
* Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
* One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
(Source: Comedy Plus)
