Mulled Vine

An English airman crashed behind enemy lines where he was captured and transferred to a German concentration camp.

Unfortunately he became very ill with advanced gangrene owing to his crash injuries and had to have his left leg amputated. He requested that his amputated leg be dropped over England during the next bombing run as he wanted to be buried there. The camp commander was asked for permission which he gave.

The gangrene progressed and the Englishman had to have his right leg amputated. Again he asked to have his limb dropped over England and again the camp commander assented.

The gangrene spread to the Englishman’s left arm and this too had to be amputated and was dropped over England.

But this did not stop the spread of the gangrene to his right arm, which also had to be amputated. This time however the camp commander declined the request to have the limb dropped over England: “I tink ze prizoner ees trying too escape!”

Joe and Fred were inmates of a lunatic asylum. Joe one day went to Fred and said. “Fred, I’ve written a book and I’d really appreciate your view on it”. Fred agreed to read it and offer constructive criticism. A week later he gave it back to Joe. “Its very good – a great plot – but its got too many characters and I find that confusing.” Joe agreed and took the book away for revision. He returned after a month with the book and gave it to Fred to read again. Fred reviewed it and said the same thing: “Great plot but too many characters.”

This went on for some time until both were happy with the book.

Joe was thrilled. He might be able to get his book published, so book in hand he visited the director of the asylum.

“What can I do for you?” aked the director.

“I’ve written a book which I think could be published. It has a great plot and had too many characters, but we think its ok now, Fred and I.”

The director looked at the book and exclaimed: “So that’s where the phone directory went to!! We’ve been looking for it for months!”

My favourite ones:

Doctor, doctor! I think I’m shrinking.
Hmm, you’ll just have to be a little patient.

Doctor, doctor! What’s the matter with me, one moment I think I’m a wigwam, the next a teepee?
Hmm, you might be too tense.

What are your favourites?

Chief Walladingdon was unhappy. He’d heard that the neighbouring chief, Saywhat, had acquired a new throne, made out of solid marble. Chief Walladingdon was more than unhappy – he was incensed! Was he not a great chief? Did he not too deserve a throne made out of stone? Who was this upstart chief that dared to insult him like this, challenge his supremacy even!!

So Chief Walladingdon ordered a raiding party to sneak up to Chief Saywhat’s village that night, and steal the throne from the chief’s grass hut while he slept.

Night came, and the raiding party departed. It was full moon, and the venture was as risky as anything they had done before, but they returned successfully, lugging the throne triumphantly.

Chief Walladingdong was extatic, but also a little worried. Chief Saywhat would suspect him and come looking for his throne. So Chief Walladingdong hid the throne in the loft of his grass hut and proceeded to wait in his hut for the anticipated arrival of his rival.

He did not have to wait long. The jungle vibrated with the sounds of war drums. Chief Saywhat was on his way.

Time passed.

Chief Walladingdong waited in his hut.

Suddenly, with an almighty crash, the throne fell through the roof of his hut and killed him instantly.

Chief Saywhat arrived shortly afterwards, laughed at his crushed rival, took the throne back to his village, but not before burning Chief Walladingdong’s village to the ground and stealing his prized clamshell collection.

And the moral of this sad tale of woe?

“People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”

Two cannibals munching on a clown. Says one to the other: “This taste funny to you?”

Harry had a pet millipede called Millie that he kept in a box.

“Do you want to go for a walk?”, says Harry.

No answer.

“Millie, do you want to go for a walk?”, he repeated.

Still no answer.

Harry lost his patience. “Millie! Are you there?? Do you or do you not want to go for a walk??”

“Hold yer horses!”, Millie replied, “I’m putting me boots on!”

A couple was driving along one day when suddenly the car jolted: they had run over something. They stopped the car and got out to see what they’d hit. It was a rabbit, dead as a very dead thing. The husband was quite distraught but his wife just smiled, calmly opened her handbag, pulled out a spraycan and proceeded to spray the rabbit all over.

A couple seconds passed.

The rabbit twitched.

A few more seconds and the rabbit jumped up and looked at them with big grateful eyes. Then it jumped a few more paces, turned around to look at the couple, jumped a few more paces, turned around to look at them, eventually giving them a wave before jumping off into the woods.

The husband stood stunned.

“What was in that can?” he asked incredulously.

“Wella hair spray”, she answered, “it gives your hair bounce and a wave at the end.”

My mother is notorious for getting jokes wrong. She once phoned me, deciding that I needed cheering up, and told me the following joke:

Q: How did the man drown in a bowl of muesli?
A: He was pulled under by a raisin.

Anna was worried about her husband – he was not home yet from his trip to Birmingham. She phoned him on his mobile: “Where are you, dear?”

“I’m on the M1,” he replied.

“I was so worried about you,” she said. “The radio reported that some fool was driving along the M1 the wrong way.”

“Just one?” he retorted, “There are hundreds of them!!”

An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were having breakfast together with their wives.

The American suddenly smiled and turned to his wife saying: “Would you please pass me the honey, Honey.”

The Englishman, not to be outdone, turned to his wife and said: “Please pass me the sugar, Sugar.”

The Irishman paused a while, then turned to his wife and said: “Pass me the tea, Bag.”