Mulled Vine

“Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a girl who always wore a red riding…”
“Wait a minute!”
“What?”
“You wrote this story?”
“Yes.”
“About a girl called Little Red Riding Hood?”
“Yes, how didyou know that??”
“It’s not a new story.”
“It’s not?”
“No. Try again.”
“Ok…. Uhm … Once upon…”
“Not that bit.”
“Oh, ok. … there was a duck called Jemima Puddl…”
“Nope.”
“No?”
“No. That’s that not new either.”
“I don’t understand. I just made up these stories.”
“You must have heard them before.”
“I guess. Maybe I should do something else?”
“Like what?”
“Invent things. I had this really great idea for a round thing that goes round and round…”
“Wheel.”
“What?”
“Its called a wheel. Its not a new invention either. Look, why don’t you just chill and take it easy.”
“You mean like to do nothing?”
“Yeah.”
“But that’s pointless.”
“Yeah, so, what’s new?”

Infinity is a fancy word for something that never ends or finishes. For example, time goes on and on, forever (if you wait long enough), never stopping. It never FINishes – it is infinite. Got it?

Numbers are the same. There is no biggest number. Don’t believe me? Humph! Ok, smart donkey, think of the biggest number you can. Got it? Ok, now add one to it, and that’s a bigger number. There is no biggest number. You can always add one to that number and get a bigger number.

Still with me?

Good, because now it gets a bit weird.

Imagine you have a piece of rubber – I mean, really streeeeetchy rubber – say a piece as long as your ruler. That’s 30cm for you clever people out there. Now get a pen. How many dots in a row do you reckon you can draw on your piece of rubber? 100? 200? Maybe even 300?

Ok, so do it. Draw the dots on the rubber in a nice row. See you muuuuch later.

Done it? Cool.

Now stretch your piece of rubber. You might need some help with this. Go ask your Dad – I’m sure he’s got nothing better to do. Trust me.

Are you stretching yet? See how the dots are separating? Now stretch the rubber until the space between the dots is about 30cm. Yes, I know you need a big room to do this. Go ask your Mum if you can go to the park and do some ‘science’. She won’t believe you, even if Dad is going with you, so be sure to take this article with you when you ask here.

Right, now get anyone you can at the park to help by drawing more dots on the rubber so that there are no more spaces and you have a really long line drawn on the rubber.

Waddayamean you don’t want to? It is NOT pointless!! (Get it? POINT-less? )

Oh, so you know what’s going to happen do you?

Yes, you are right. You can go on stretching the rubber for ever (I told you to get REALLY stretchy rubber), and keep on drawing dots.

So how many dots can you draw on your piece of stretchy rubber?

Infinitely many.

Well, first you need air, lots of it, and if you don’t have air, see my article “How to make air”.

Ok, so you have the air. Now what?

You swish it very fast, round and round and round, making like a whirlpool, then, when its swirling around nicely on its own, you step away quickly, being careful not to upset the new tornado (tornadoes can be quite sensitive, you know, because of their funny shapes, and are liable to suck up anyone who they think is looking at them funny.)

You’re probably wondering about the swishing air bit. Well there are two ways to swish a whole lot of air. Either you are really powerful, like God, who can do just about anything, including swishing, or you are a “law of physics”.

What do you mean you don’t know what a law of physics is? (This could be a longer explanation than I thought!)

See, its like when air pressure is high in one place, and low nearby, so the air moves from the high pressure place to the low pressure place and you get wind. That’s a law – it always does that. It doesn’t say one day, “Ooh, I think I’ll go left today.” It can’t – the law is the law.

So how do we get laws? I mean, who says air has to move like that?

I don’t know and it gets a bit tricky now so I hope you are sitting down.

Have you heard of the Big Bang? No, not Humpty Dumpty, idiot. The Big Bang is what the call the big explosion that happened at the beginning of time, quite a long time ago, like a gazillion years. There was this “point” and it went “Boom!” and hey presto there was a universe full of laws.

Or you could believe that God, who has no beginning (weird, eh?) decided one fine moment that a universe would be mighty nice thing.

So there you go. You know how to make a tornado. Kind of.

“You seem to have a spring in your step this morning,” she commented dryly.

I nodded, smiling, “Yes, woke up with it sticking out of my foot; most peculiar.”

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

“Not really, but it does mean I’ll need to buy lots of new shoes … or a drill.”

She paused frowning, “It’s not fair, you know … it makes you seem taller.”

I nodded and gave her a ridiculously joyful grin before bounding off in search of something interesting … like breakfast.

The great human domino experiment got more media attention than Simon Henslop had anticipated, and not surprisingly, for a 6 mile long snake of naked humans stretching all the way from Buckingham Palace, through the royal gardens to Piccadilly was quite a sight. Why, even the cranks and generally opinionate had left their soap boxes to watch the spectacle, and being a fine day, an unusual thing in itself in England, the crowds were out in droves, while an enterprising Sun reporter handed out cards to promising buxom lasses in the line, offering Page 3 spreads.

Noon came and Simon Henslop stepped up – amidst amidst a flurry of flashes and smiling at the crowds – to the first person in line, a tall, rather enviably well-endowed man with a broad, barrel chest, and pushed him over. The man fell backwards, knocking over the middle-aged woman behind him, who in turn fell backwards, and thus was started the Great Human Domino Experiment: one by one, ten by ten, hundred by hundred, until a seamless snake of falling humans wove its way along history … at least until suddenly it stopped.

The crowds gasped – there was a broken link – while Simon Henslop stood, stunned, unable to speak, to grasp the end of his dream.

A hairy little naked fellow tapped him on the shoulder, “I say, Mister Henslop, sir, I’m terribly sorry, it was my fault, but I was desperate for a pee. Any chance we could start again?”

“One Hundred Unique Flavours!” was their prized slogan and they had argued long and passionately about introducing one more, but finally they had agreed. Henry however, complained about how few of the choices he had contributed to, and said he was insisting this time – he wanted “Beijing Surprise”, a delicate blend of vanilla, marshmallow and Bhut Jolokia Pepper – the hottest chili in the world, guaranteed to blow your mind. She just shook her head and smiled calmly, being used to her husband’s tantrums, and hit him over the head with a metal ice cream bucket. He crumpled slowly to the ground, gasping for futile air, his eyes filling with pain as he stared incredulously at her.

The next day the new flavour hit the stand: “Bloody Men” and it was a roaring success, as she had known it would be.

Gaspar ran into the room, panting heavily from exertion, “Melchior, Balthasar, the star that was prophesied has appeared in the west!”

Melchior looked up, “West? Don’t you mean east?”

Balthasar chuckled, “Leave him alone, Melchior – you can be such a literalist at times.”

“Literalist?” Melchior pouted, “It clearly says ‘the wise men will see a star in the east’.”

Balthasar put his cards down and sighed, “But if we are east of the event then does not the phrase still apply?”

Gaspar threw up his hands in frustration, “Will you two cease! Are we going or not?”

“Count me out,” said Melchior, “I fancy a nice relaxing Saturnalia at home this year, not a long, dusty traipse through the desert in the wrong direction.”

Rain, rain, endless rain, water dripping everywhere, forming great puddles which threatened to swamp unexpectant footwear. I ran along the cobblestoned street, jumping here and and there to avoid the water but could not avoid getting soaked to the skin. Finally I reached my destination: a boat of immense size made from finest gopher wood, standing tall against the deluge. I was not too late – the last of the animals were walking up the gang plank – and strode confidently past them to the old man standing at the doorway.

He looked up from his register and raised enquiring eyebrows at me – I must have looked a sorry, bedraggled sight, but raised a brave, hopeful smile and handed him my business card: “Arkjoy Pty Ltd”. He looked at the card dubiously, turning it over once or twice, before turning to shout at someone inside, “Rebekah! Please tell me you didn’t order an entertainer for this trip!?”

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

* David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”

* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

(Source: Comedy Plus)