Mulled Vine

Gaspar ran into the room, panting heavily from exertion, “Melchior, Balthasar, the star that was prophesied has appeared in the west!”

Melchior looked up, “West? Don’t you mean east?”

Balthasar chuckled, “Leave him alone, Melchior – you can be such a literalist at times.”

“Literalist?” Melchior pouted, “It clearly says ‘the wise men will see a star in the east’.”

Balthasar put his cards down and sighed, “But if we are east of the event then does not the phrase still apply?”

Gaspar threw up his hands in frustration, “Will you two cease! Are we going or not?”

“Count me out,” said Melchior, “I fancy a nice relaxing Saturnalia at home this year, not a long, dusty traipse through the desert in the wrong direction.”

Rain, rain, endless rain, water dripping everywhere, forming great puddles which threatened to swamp unexpectant footwear. I ran along the cobblestoned street, jumping here and and there to avoid the water but could not avoid getting soaked to the skin. Finally I reached my destination: a boat of immense size made from finest gopher wood, standing tall against the deluge. I was not too late – the last of the animals were walking up the gang plank – and strode confidently past them to the old man standing at the doorway.

He looked up from his register and raised enquiring eyebrows at me – I must have looked a sorry, bedraggled sight, but raised a brave, hopeful smile and handed him my business card: “Arkjoy Pty Ltd”. He looked at the card dubiously, turning it over once or twice, before turning to shout at someone inside, “Rebekah! Please tell me you didn’t order an entertainer for this trip!?”

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

* David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”

* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

(Source: Comedy Plus)

“St Peter, I’d like to register a complaint.”

The old man paused from his writing in the Book of Life and raised a quizzical, bushy, white eyebrow at me, “About heaven? Can’t say that has happened to me before.”

I nodded, “Yes, about heaven; I have come across a great injustice: my lifelong friend Joe and I are neighbours, but while he gets to share a room (and who knows what else) with Marilyn Monroe, I got Mrs Froom from up the road! You know, the one with the awful warts!”

He smiled, “Well, you do know that in heaven it is not all about rewards – there are some consequences too: you did some bad things on earth so your “punishment” (we don’t really like to use that word here) is Mrs Froom.”

“But,” I protested, “Joe was certainly no better than me! How come he gets Marilyn Monroe?”

St Peter grinned, “Ah, you see, he is her punishment.”

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, “doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”

(Source: Comedy Plus)

“Eh Miguel, how long we been walking in dees desert?”
“I donno Pepi, but I ees very tired and hungry. I teenk wees gonna die in dees place.”
“Eh Miguel, what dat over deh? I see bacon hanging in a tree. Can eet be real?”
“Pepi, be careful, I don’t tink das a bacon tree. Dees a dangerous place, full of bad gringos.”
“Eh Miguel, you worry too much. I’m gonna get me some bacon.”
“No Pepi, come back. You gonna die! Ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush.”

“Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
-Patrick, age 10

“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ Don’t answer.”
-Hannah, age 9

Never tell your Mom her diet’s not working.”
-Michael, age 14

“Stay away from prunes.”
-Randy, age 9

“Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.”
-Emily, age 10

“When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.”
-Taylia, age 11

“Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.”
-Traci, age 14

“A puppy always has bad breath–even after eating a Tic-Tac.”
- Andrew, age 9

“Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.”
- Kyoyo, age 11

“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.”
-Amir, age 9

“Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.”
-Kellie, age 11

“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.”
-Naomi, age 15

“Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.”
-Lauren, age 9

“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
-Joel, age 10

“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she’s on the phone.”
-Alyesha, age 13

“Never try to baptize a cat.”
-Eileen, age 8

(Source Adullamite)

‘Viagra’ is now available

in powder form

for your tea.

It doesn’t enhance your sexual performance

but it does stop your biscuit going soft..

(Sent in by Adullamite)

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

(This is an old post but one of my favourites. If you like my wacky sense of humour, filter the posts by FUNNY category using the menu above and enjoy)