Mulled Vine

Shock news today as Douglas Fairbody the renowned architect was sacked from the Westminster Renovation Programme. Mr Fairbody, famous for the controversial introduction of stained glass solar panels at Canterbury Cathedral, had proposed to install an eco friendly water system that would take purified urine from the lavatories and feed it back in to the drinking supply.

Ministers were unanimous in their outrage and rejection of this proposal. John Carter, Energy Minister, said “we turned a blind eye when Mr Fairbody removed the heating system in view of the amount of hot air allegedly generated during parliamentary sessions, but this is taking the piss.”

Literally.

Deimot Carling the Minister for Transport today announced that the UK would as of January 2010 drive on the right hand side of the road.

“This will pave the way to greater unity with the European Union,” said Mr Carling in a recent interview with Itchy Beard reporter Mulled Vine.

This landmark announcement follows extensive consultations with industry experts, the details of which will be published in a white paper this week.

Mr Carling was clearly excited about the findings and hinted that a unique approach was being adopted to ease the transition but would not say more when pressed, other than to say that the transition would be phased according to engine size, thus avoiding the “big bang” risk of an overnight transition.

Jerry Hatric of Tiskris, Miss. today smashed the world record for sleeping, having slept 23 days, 4 hours, 2 minutes and 45 seconds.

The surprised 60 year old said, “I didn’t mean to break any records, but after a heavy weekend with my buddies I did feel quite tired.”

Mrs Hatric said she was pleased for her husband, and said that she hoped this was the start of great things, because so far he hadn’t really amounted to much.

Reports have been coming in from all over the world about sudden, mass disappearances of individuals. Mrs Agatha Krone from Eadlepug, Tennessee, said she was in the middle of a conversation with her neighbour, Tabatha Widget and her daughter Frieda, when “they just plain vanished.” Early analysis from the Global Statistics Bureau of the missing people has revealed a very strong correlation with belief in the Judeo-Christian God. Professor Richard Dawkins author of the best-selling “The God Delusion” has been quoted as saying “Good riddance. Now we can stop debating the non-existence of God and get on with our lives.” Representatives from other faith groups have declined to comment.

A small black hole has been discovered in Pembury, Kent.

Mrs Amanda Bollard, the discoverer, says she first noticed it when things began to disappear in her lounge. Scientists are intrigued because unlike other black holes, this one does not increase in size with mass. Dr Luther Van Dross the esteemed Cosmologist commented that this discovery marked a singularly unique event in our space time continuum.

Mrs Bollard said she doesn’t know much about such things but feels right at home with her new guest, and is thinking about framing it.

Classified NASA papers leaked today revealed the shocking fact the the first man on the moon Neil Armstrong was in fact a woman called Nelly Armstrung.

The papers also revealed that Buzz Aldrin was aware of the fact but was under strict orders not to disclose this information to anyone.

Buzz Aldrin has confirmed that he is definitely male and will “f****ing hit” anyone who thinks different. He also denied the allegation that he and Nelly were locked out of the Lunar Module because she forgot the keys inside.

NASA has declined to comment.